Victoria and Logan - Born into Heaven
On September 9, 1998 our world, as we knew it ceased to exist. At the hospital, elated to be delivering our 3rd child, the frantic look on the nurse's face as she searched for a heart beat began our nightmare. There was no heart beat. Our precious daughter was dead. I had noticed decreased movement several days before and gone to the doctor. The sonogram showed the baby to be fine. The surreal hours and days that followed were a blur. My arms were as painfully empty as my breasts were full and all to no avail? Our priest who came to the hospital told us we didn't need to baptize our baby because she was born into heaven. Our OBGyn wept with us as we stared at her perfect but lifeless body. When the funeral director came to the hospital to help us "make arrangements" for our baby, I almost passed out in the meeting, and I was sitting down. We had a rosary and a funeral for Victoria Marie, and then slowly, our life returned to the day to day routine, but it was certainly not normal. I struggled with doing the most mundane tasks, immersed in my grief, and my husband went to work every day, closed the door and did nothing. Having experienced a brother's death when I was 14, my only thought/prayer was, "please do not let this tear my family apart." Heartbroken, devastated, and angry - everything was a struggle. Our marriage, always strong and solid, was being challenged. Never very serious about our faith, my husband and I began searching for answers. We eventually attended a silent retreat which provided a lot of healing and hope for me, however, my husband was still frustrated and lost. Sometime during the 1st year after her death, we ended up seeing a counselor for a couple of sessions. He really helped us work together as a couple to help each other.
Ten years and 2 months later, I was pregnant with our 7th child and I hadn't felt him move in over 24 hours. I wept copious amounts of tears during the night, knowing he was gone. After attending my daughters' soccer game, and then sending everyone off to a piano recital with friends, Robert and I went to the hospital. Logan Joseph was born still, on November 9, 2008. Logan was 8 weeks early and small, and precious and perfect. A nurse, who I'm convinced was an angel sent from heaven, crawled into bed with me and held me while I held him. She helped us baptize him. Our faith bolstered us this time, but the pain and agony was the same. I prayed at least 100 times a day, "Jesus, I trust in You", and then apologized because I didn't feel it. I knew it to be true, I knew He could make all things work to the good of those who love Him, but I hurt too bad to feel consolation from that. We again had a funeral, which our other children don't remember, I think they were all in shock. 15 and 5 years later, the pain is still there, but manageable. Jesus walked with us through Logan's death, as He did Victoria's.
If you are reading this story because you yourself have experienced this pain I am so deeply sorry. My only advice is to allow people to help you, and to cling to the Lord as you never have before. Allow yourself to grieve, and don't run away or shove it down. If you don't know the Lord, He knows you, and he hurts with you and will walk this road with you if you let Him. Mary's Angels is full of women and men who know your pain and hope to help. Call or email. We'll be there.